episode 1. prologue - added 4.29.04
~kindred
HAVE WE NOT LEARNED OUR LESSON? CAN WE NOT PUT OUR
DISHES IN THE FUCKING DISHWASHER?!
This, friends, is a note the boob left above the kitchen sink for the benefit
of Zero and myself (kin). This is also the reason I'm going to kick his ass.
Let's go back in time and see the events leading up to this much deserved ass
kicking. It may be long, but I promise you it will be an entertaining read...
even if it isn't, who cares. I need to vent, and I'm certain Zero will enjoy it.
We may even show it to The Boob.
The Boob Chronicles
It all started on October 22nd of 2001. Zero had just moved to Vegas and was
living with my sister and me. This was a temporary arrangement. He and I had
plans to get an apartment with a guy I knew from an old job who just happened to
be looking for roommates. This guy, sadly, was also one of the only people I
knew in town. This guy was... The Boob.
Jonathan Raimondo. The Boob (a nickname he chose for himself) is from France.
We know this because every time he has something to say, it is prefaced by 'in
France...'.
In France, the fruit tastes better than here in America.
In
France, coffee and jelly are like, totally different than here in
America.
In France, everybody is so much smarter than here in
America.
In France, I scored once, not like here in
America.
We also know this because he routinely has phone
conversations that sound like a variety of things having to do with sinus
drainage. In fact, there are several other dead give aways- pungent smell,
unkept hair, and unshaven face being the most notable.
When I first introduced Zero to him, his apartment was in total disarray.
Stacks of pizza boxes, fast food bags, and dishes everywhere. The carpet hidden
under used tissue papers. The smell...
"Oh, it's not usually like this.", The Boob said. "Just ask Kin."
It's
been like this every time I've ever seen it.
"Yeah..." I lie. "Not
usually."
Neccesity makes you do crazy things.
Zero and I spent a lot of time working on HappyApathy back then. We were
trying to get the site open by halloween. We'd stay up til the break of dawn
working on the site, and walk around the apartment complex discussing what we
still needed to finish whilst enjoying a nice, well earned, cancerous,
life-destroying cigarette.
The Boob wanted in on the action, so we made him staff in good faith and gave
him a subdomain to have his own little video game review site. He volunteered to
pitch in 1/3 of the monthly server bill since he wanted to be a part of it. I
didn't ask him to, but I wasn't going to object. He said he'd start pitching in
once we got the new apartment.
Cool.
An interesting side note. During this period of time, the three of us
occasionally went out to eat or wander around in the casinos. It seemed like
everywhere we went, people would exclaim, "Oh my! Are you two twins?", or,
"Hoohoo! It's like I've got DOUBLE VISION!", when they saw The Boob and me. I
will never understand this. What gives?
 |
 |
The Boob (at any time, add
pube-like facial hair for
full effect) |
Kindred (at that time) |
... also note that I dress normally. The Boob always wore a certain shirt
when we all went out. A shirt we called 'the lumberjack' shirt.
...
Anyways...
The site opened and life was good. It's around mid november now. The early
morning 'walk, talk, smoke' sessions that Zero and I had become accustomed to
continued despite the site being more or less finished. On one particular
morning, however, disaster struck.
"I don't care. You've gotta get out, right now."
Why my sister was being such a bitch, I do not know. Well, I suppose that is
not entirely true. She was pissed because she learned that I smoked. Evidently
this was Zero's fault. Damn him.
"Angie... It's 3:00am. Can't this wait til tomorrow?" I reasoned.
"No...
now." She said in a demonic voice.
Desperation set in. We were going to get the apartment in 2 weeks. Why did
this have to happen. Luckily, The Boob stays up all night. We call him. He
accuses us of making this up. He says we lied to him and had planned on 'dumping
Zero' on him from the start. This is not the case.
Things wouldn't have been so bad if Zero or I had had any money. Work done to
my car and the drive to pick him up had drained all of my money. The
circumstances which led him to leave Louisiana on such short notice left him
with nothing on hand.
Since we can't stay at my place for even a minute longer, we drive to The
Boob's place. He cracks the door and speaks to us from inside. He decides it's
ok for Zero to stay with him for the couple of weeks prior to us getting the new
apartment so long as he helps with the rent... but... but...
"He can't stay here tonight, though. I'd like to clean up, first... you know,
because my place isn't usually dirty and you know blah blah blah... Come back
tomorrow morning."
We drove. We smoked. We talked. I wrote a bad check to a hotel dropped Zero
off. I drove back to my apartment complex and smoked. I don't think I slept. I
had a few words with my sister and retired to my sleeping bag. I laid there and
wished I was smoking.
A funny thing, smoking is.
I had to work at 11am. I leave home at 9. Picked Zero up from the hotel and
went by The Boob's around 10.
Surprise. It is still messy over there, but thankfully The Boob accepts Zero
this time.
I make it to work just in time. I sit at my desk. I do some math on a post it
note. I realize that money is going to be very tight on my coming paycheck
because of the bad check and the overdraft fine that comes with it. It's Ebay
time. Zero and I end up parting with our prized possessions. At least we achieve
zen.
I feel it important to note that as of this part of the story, the three of
us got along. We occasionally drank. We watched anime. We played video games.
Zero always won. Boob hated that and would always pout. Sure, the Boob is a
little strange, but he helped us out whenever it was convenient for him to do
so. I wouldn't expect anyone to go out of their way for me... even if they are
supposed to be a friend. I mean, he bought Zero some Jack in the Box on two or
three occasions... and he did let Zero move in about 6 hours too late to save me
about $80 from the hotel/nsf combo.
I promise that the story does get better. The background is almost complete.
Having read it, you'll certainly appreciate the Seinfeld-like humor coming up.
It's still November. A few apartment complexes in an area very convenient for
The Boob are having 'move in specials', which is where they let you move in
cheaply but rape you on the lease. We decide to go around and check them out one
morning. Cool! Apartment hunting is fun.
I'm the only one with a car. This strikes me as funny still to this day,
because The Boob had won $8,000 at a casino just a few months prior to this
story, his dad pays his rent most of the time, and he works a full time job. He
never saw fit to buy a car, but he does own every video game ever published for
every system. Why get a car when you can play Sega Racing Cars or whatever...
The point of that tangent was to illustrate that I was to be the driver for
this expidition. The appointed time was 8:00am. I am by definition 'not a
morning person', but The Boob wanted to go early. I woke up slightly before 8,
but decided that I'd best take a shower and shave if we were going around to
find an apartment. I try to call, but there is no answer. Oh well. I scrub my
face and shave my ass and head on over to Boob's place.
"You'd better have a damn good excuse, I'm fucking serious." The Boob roared
seriously (with his usual lisp).
Whatever. I told him that I needed to clean up a bit and apologized for being
late. We later found out that he turns the phone's ringer off so he isn't woken
up... a habit that haunts us still today.
"8:45 man, it's like a slap in the face. blah blah blah...", raved The Boob
for the duration of the trip.
"8:45 man, it's like a slap in the face. blah blah blah...", Zero mocked The
Boob with startling accuracy. It is much later in the day, now. The Boob is at
work and I'm speaking with zero in private for the first time in several days.
He hasn't been online in quite a while and I've been busy with work. "He said he
was going to 'punch you in the face' when you got here. Man, he was talking all
kinds of shit on you before you got here. He just kept pacing back and forth the
whole time."
The Boob had finally given Zero a key to the apartment so he could at least
go looking for employment during the daylight hours. Zero had spent the day job
hunting while The Boob and I were checking out apartments. Both ventures were
unsuccessful. We're sitting in The Boob's apartment having a most enlightening
chat.
I mention that the apartment is clean.
Zero mentions that he's been cleaning it.
I need to use the bathroom but find The Boob's door is locked, and the only
bathroom is attached to his room.
Zero informs me that this is always the case. He has been unable to use the
bathroom at any time The Boob is at work or asleep.
I want to check my email but find Zero's net connection is dead.
Zero informs me that The Boob demanded that his computer be set up as the
server. The Boob turns his computer off whenever he is at work, asleep, or not
using it- leaving Zero without internet access. Even if his bedroom door wasn't
locked, he set up a boot password lock in his computer's bios they day Zero
moved in.
The day Zero moved in. Sounds like a big event, huh? Sounds like something
that would be a great inconvenience for The Boob, huh? I feel it necessary to
note that Zero only took two things with him to The Boob's place- his computer
and a change of clothes. Zero slept on The Boob's version of living room
furniture (an air mattress with a quilt over it). Evidently owning every video
game is more important than having any furniture. Zero was locked in there by
The Boob for nearly a week with -nothing- to do.
The Boob always complained about the inconvenience... many things, but the
biggest concern of his was that he 'couldn't watch tv in there when Zero was
asleep'. I find that hard to believe, because the only time Zero slept was when
the boob was at work or asleep- better known as 'the times he was locked in a
fucking room with no bathroom or entertainment'. My bet is that he sprang to
life every single moment the boob was home and awake, because there wasn't much
to life at any other time.
TANGENT: The Boob also blames Zero and me for stains, spills, and drip spots
on his carpet that had been there long before the days of Zero. He blames us for
the same phenomenon in our current apartment... despite the huge chunks of
french bread and countless fast food bags and cups littered all over the floor-
the carpet always stayed clean when he lived on his own.
INTERESTING NOTE: The Boob forbade Zero from playing his video games when he
wasn't at home. This left Zero with nothing but daytime TV and chatting on the
phone with a girl that liked to call him. The Boob objected to this on the
grounds that 'someone might try to call for him when he isn't there'. I'd say it
is safe to assume that if nobody calls when you are there, they most likely
aren't calling when you're not.
PREDICTABLE NOTE: The Boob never thanked Zero for cleaning his filth. He's
yet to thank either of us for any of the countless times we cleaned his filth.
I'll stop here, though, lest I give away the rest of the story.
If you think this stuff is cool, then maybe you will like some of the other crap I do. You can check it by going here.
Zero's Note: I did I shitty photoshop for effect. : )